Weekend Update

Alright kids,

10/27/08: Pink's in Hollywood

Sorry for the lapse here, but the last few days have been long. We were down in Hollywood staying with our friend Marky Mark and his funky sister (I mean funky in a good way here), who was also in town, to go to a funeral for another friend. Funerals make for 1.very intense days, 2.not at all fun, 3.not much time to hang out and chill, and 4.especially not much time to go out and eat. We did get a little trip in to a place that another friend had also recommended (Thanks BFW)...Pink's Hot Dogs in Hollywood.

Pink's has been operating since 1939 and is a serious cornerstone of Hollywood cuisine. And when I say 'cuisine' I am speaking of drunken, over the top food that would kill the average man, woman, or goat. It's everything bad about good food, good about bad food, and in no way, shape, or form healthy. Let's be clear, eating this meal took 3 years off my life...and it was worth it. It's actually very reminiscent of the old Cheesesteak shops in Philly. There's always a line, and this time we were fortunate that we only had to wait 10 minutes, unlike the 45min-over an hour that is more normal.

Let's get to it: I ordered the Polish Pastrami Swiss Cheese Dog. Holy Mothra this was huge. Maria ordered the Bacon Chili Cheese Dog, which looked like a lake of nacho cheese, under which there was a subterranean lake of chunky chili, and somewhere down at the bottom I think I saw a hot dog peeking through. I believe the only purpose of the bun was to act as an earthen dam for the nacho cheese. Oh, and we got a side of fries. Mark got some stupefying burrito-thing with two hot dogs, chili, and Alf knows what else inside (maybe that was Alf inside?). I don't even remember what Bridget got, because I was so enthralled with the challenge in front of me. Mine was a HUGE spicy polish sausage, topped with a ridiculous pile of pastrami, a few slices of swiss cheese and onions...you know, I thought I'd be healthy and get my vegetables in too. Oh yeah, throw on some bacon strips, some spicy mustard and ketchup for full effect.

The first bite was amazingly delicious. I believe the pronouncement I made was, "This is f!ing fantastic!" I guess I said it a little loud cause a few other tables of people seemed to look over at me. Like kids haven't heard that word before...we're in HOLLYWOOD bitches! I inhaled the first half of the beast, and the pastrami was amazing, just bloody amazing, rich, deeply grilled, tasted almost smoked, and suuuuper salty. Mark warned me about the spice in the spicy sausage and damn...that with the spicy mustard made me mop my brow a few times. I just couldn't get over how good this tasted. I mean, seriously, everything I had had up until this point made me think that meat eaters were a bunch of scruffy nerd herding lounge lizards that should be shot on sight, but now I get it. Not with bullets, please, I'm vegetarian remember? With tranquilizers, and then written on with sharpies, and sprinkled with spray on glue and glitter...what was I talking about...? Oh right, so everything up until this point was bland and...pointless. This was PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE TILL YOU BLEED FROM BOTH NOSTRILS (DON'T EVEN THINK OF STOPPING AT ONE), GIVE YOURSELF A BLACK EYE WITH YOUR OWN KNEE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS KICKING LIKE A SHOWGIRL, SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE UNTIL YOU ARE SOBER deeeeLICIOUS.

There were a few side effects of eating this meat lovers wet dream of a hot dog (again, the use of 'wet dream' and hot dog in the same sentence probably should have been edited out, but instead I chose to highlight the fact). First, I had the distinct feeling that my head was going to explode. It was like I had just downed a 72 shot latte. My whole being was vibrating and I believe at some point I stated that I felt like I just wanted to kill something (I felt a little crazy like Ozzy...come to think of it, maybe Ozzy's live bird eating days had nothing to do with drugs like everybody thinks, but an unshakable addiction to Pink's double chili cheese pastrami dogs).

I believe the feeling I experienced after downing the majority of this meal may be what some refer to as ROID rage, but this was a 'natural' form. It had been 17 years since I had consumed this much meat so quickly and I think my pituitary gland just started spitting out testosterone like a fratboy puking after finishing off a bag of pork rinds and pony keg of natural light. My brain literally hurt as it tried to escape from my head (ha ha, brain, your attempts have been foiled again!). Again, more people staring...actually, when we got up to leave I remember seeing a group of guys sitting near us (15 feet away was way too near us this evening, and Mark even chose the most far out spot to sit in the parking lot patio) kind of move out of the way making sideways glances at me as I was leaving...I think they were scared of me for some reason...thanks Ozzy. Mark, Bridget, and Maria, my cohorts on this Meat mission, were very amused, and I'm pretty sure that had a doctor been present I would have immediately been rushed to the hospital.

Goddamn was that a good hot dog.

THE MEAT LIST

OK fans, here's the start of the list. If you comment to this post below with your suggestions I will update the list.

http://thebucketburger.com/menu/menu.htm
Cardiac Burger

http://www.pinkshollywood.com/pgz/greeting.htm
Chili dog w/ onions and Mustard or Pastrami Reuben Dog

http://www.teskes-germania.com/
Jagerschnitzel or Sauerbraten

http://www.philippes.com/
French Dip

http://www.amatoscheesesteaks.com/
Cheesesteak

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g32655-d348068-Reviews-Apple_Pan-Los_Angeles_California.html

Apple Pan Burgers

http://www.universitychicken.com/
Hot wings "global thermo nuclear"

http://www.unclefranksbbq.com/

BBQ can be hit an miss here, great when it's on average when it's off, sides are awful

http://www.eandjbbq.com/index_everettandjones_main.html

This is the best BBQ in Oakland, 'nuff said. Fruitvale location is supposed to be better than Jack London Square location... Then on to Parkway for "Return of the Living Dead" (1985) on the 30th!!

Midnight Taco Run

My chauffeur, Brian Coleman, reminded me that last night AFTER the bar we made a run to the Jack In the Box right down the street from our house...for tacos. First time I've ever tried Jack in the box tacos. They were surprisingly tasty. The meat, if that's what you want to call it, was ground up so fine that at first I thought it was refriend beans. I imagine the ground beef is the leftovers they have on slaughterhouse the floor that they scoop up into a big pile. Well this JIB meat is the leftovers from that pile of leftovers. It's like meat twice removed. In fact, I am not positive they are allowed to call them meat tacos. I just checked their website and they talk extensively about their tortillas, but not a single word about the "meat". I actually found the tortilla to be the tastiest part of the taco, with a sweet flavor. The taco sauce was also quite sweet, so the whole thing tasted like desert...a deep fried, sugary desert, with some meat powder in the middle. Mmmm good.

Birthday bash at Trial's Pub (aka Whitney's Pub)

10/23/2008: Trial's Pub, in downtown San Jose.

We all met up last night at Trial's pub, which is a super cool british pub in San Jose with some really good beer on tap. They also have a full kitchen, which, for me, meant more meat. I was still feeling pretty bloated and full from the tri-tip sandwich I had about 5 hours earlier, but I managed to order an appetizer regarless. I got the bangers sampler, which is a funny British word for sausages, and these ones were cut up into little bit sized pieces. I wish I had thought to take a photo of it because it was this ridiculous meat salad. They put down a bed of lettuce then sprinkle the sausage over the top like croutons. I believe this is what is known in Britain as health food.

The first bit was disgusting. Seriously. Warm, gelatinous little globules of meat parts from some kind of pig...or more likely lots of different pigs all thrown together...basically a pig part party in a nice little intestine package. Anyway, I found the chewing a bit nauseating because with each bite you feel the little fat bits strung together with longer fat tendons pulling apart. And those little fat tendons, stick in between your teeth. YECH! The funny thing was that later on that night after the bangers had sat out for several hours and cooled down, they tasted much, much better. I actually enjoyed them cold. But don't get me started on the bite of Shepard's pie. I've never had it before, and I didn't really like it. I don't know if it was just a bad bite, or the fact that I still had pits of pigs in my teeth (yes I'm still convinced it's multiple pigs they grind up and throw into together), but it tasted like thick gristle soup...with onions....which I can image would be a great thing up in the high Scottish hills where it's wet and horrible...but not in California. Anyway, I'm making headway on the British food front.

Great beer though. The only problem with drinking and eating meat is that when I wake up in the morning feeling like I'm going to double over with a pain in my gut I don't know which to blame. Since it's no longer my official birthday I'm going to curtail the drinking and stick to the meat today. But man did I feel terrible this morning. The good news is I survived my first day of MEAT MONTH. Whoo-hoo. Now would somebody please get me a carrot?

Birthday lunch

10/23/08 : Mr. Pickles Sandwich Shop in Millbrae, CA

Tri tip sandwich with pesto, swiss, on sourdough roll

Initial impressions: wow, this is a tasty sandwich. The pesto explodes over the meat and bread. OK, that sounded bad, let's move on...The meat is reminiscent of a philly cheese steak, in fact the whole sandwich is. I guess the meat/cheese combo is pretty similar, and the thinly sliced meat is as well. Is tri-tip what they use in Philly? Don’t know. I ate a few cheesesteaks when we went to Philly last year, so I know what I'm talking about here, unlike the majority of what I'm about to tackle.

I ate half of the sandwich. Attempting to get the grease off my iphone after taking the photo proved rather difficult. There’s a little spice left in my mouth, but the meat itself was pretty bland. I remember as a kid I never liked the taste of meat and always had to put lots of ketchup on it. I wonder if that has changed. Could there be a meat that is tasty just by itself?

OK after about 10 minutes I got a strange pain in the back of my neck. I think little bits of tri-tip are pumping through my body clogging everything up. Or maybe it was the Dr. Pepper I was drinking. Just to seal the deal. Meat CHECK, gooey cheese CHECK, garlicy pesto CHECK, super sugary caffeine drink CHECK. Oh yeah, you are all gonna want to steer clear of me for a few days here…

laaaaaaaaaaaate night drunken eating

10/23/08 : Taco Bravo in Campbell, CA

After a healthy night of drinking we lost one soldier to wandering the streets at 3am searching for his house, which was about 3 miles away. We left him to go get a taco, because that's how we roll. And no, it wasn't Shabbos. I had the taco something or other…especial? Anyway, it was a regular super taco with a flour shell and beans wrapped around the outside of the hard shell. I was too drunk and hungry to even think of taking a photo. So I found this one online. I do remember bits and pieces of the experience though, and the first thought I have is GREASE. Hot ground beef in a sea of grease to be exact. I remember looking at it after I took the first delicious bite and thinking, “I am going to get f'ing so sick” (I was drunk; I don't do word order when I'm drunk). But I ate the whole enchilada, or taco rather, and short of a few deep rumbles in the old belly, not much else negative effects. I mean, I just jumped right into this shite. After drinking all night, and rightly already being on the verge of getting sick I throw in mankind’s greasiest class D process meat product, with refried beans, cheese, sour cream, and NOTHING! I’ve got a new challenge now…to find something that will put me over the edge and make me hurl. Suggestions anyone?